One of the things that I have observed both in the context of family as well as in the context of caring for patients, is that we are all wired differently. We have different preferences, goals, desires and motivations. I see things in others that I don't tolerate in myself and wonder why they could do those things. And I am sure that others can say the same about me. This is what makes us all different and unique. And when different people with different personalities and values interact the outcomes can be synergistic or dramatic examples of explosive personality clashes.
In this book, Gretchen Rubin outlines what she calls the 4 tendencies. These are ways that people tend to behave based on how they respond to inner and outer expectations.
Inner expectations are those that you place on yourself (i.e. punctuality, orderliness, etc). On the other hand, outer expectations are those that others place on you (i.e. projects, tasks, etc) or that you perceive that others want you to do or be. When paired, these two expectation create 4 possible combinations.
- Upholder - responds to inner and outer expectations
- Questioner - responds to inner but not outer expectations
- Obliger - responds to outer but not inner expectations
- Rebel - resists both inner and outer expectations
Throughout the pages of the book she unpacks the uniqueness of each tendency, shows examples of strengths, weaknesses and variations of each tendency and discusses how each tendency can be leveraged in the various spheres of our lives (w ork, marriage, parenting, etc.)
I find these books fascinating - particularly the number of different ways that authors classify people. Are you an ENTJ? Are you an Upholder? You get the idea. But whatever the method - it is interesting to see different ways of classifying people. But knowledge without application is just that - knowing stuff. It is not transformative. Knowing your tendency (or the tendencies of those around you) can help you be more effective as we live and work with others.
Book cover image from gretchenrubin.com
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